Teachers, administrators, and
school support staff often find themselves interacting with adults who are unhappy
and are not afraid to show it. For example, a teacher may have sharp disagreements
with colleagues about how to run an inclusion team, a principal may have a tense
meeting with irate parents who believe that their child was suspended unfairly
from school, or a multi-disciplinary team may argue about whether a child with
significant special needs requires a one-to-one paraprofessional to be academically
successful. There are specific strategies that educators can use that will achieve
more positive outcomes with angry adults and experience more productive and harmonious
meetings.
This handout contains ideas
to calm others when they are angry, to reduce one's own tension and stress in
the face of anger, to set up meetings that are more relaxed and less confrontational,
and to negotiate with others in a manner that is most likely to result in 'win-win'
outcomes
Calming
an Upset or Angry Adult. When faced with an angry adult, people often make
the mistake of becoming defensive or even confronting the other person in a
hostile manner. Resist the temptation to react negatively toward the other person,
even if you think that he or she deserves it. A harsh response can escalate
the conflict, undermine your position and make it less likely that you will
resolve the issue in a positive manner. Instead, use techniques to preserve
your calm and deescalate the other person's negative emotions. Once you have
reduced the level of anger in the interaction, you are more likely to engage
the other person in a real dialog about the concerns.
Try these calming techniques
when encountering a hostile or angry person:
- Use reflective listening.
Listen to the person and make note of important details. At an appropriate
pause, step in and paraphrase the person's concerns in a calm and respectful
tone of voice. Some reflective-listening phrases that you might find useful
are: 'Let me summarize your concerns to be sure that I heard you right…",
"So from your point of view, it seems that…", "So what
you're saying is…".
- Acknowledge the speaker's
emotion. If you note obvious signs that the speaker is angry (e.g., facial
expression, tone of voice) put a label to that person's emotion. For example,
you might say to the person, "You seem upset" or "I can see
that you are angry about this issue." Acknowledging the speaker's emotion
can help in one of two ways: (1) The speaker may not have realized that he
or she was showing obvious anger. If this is the case, your feedback may come
as a surprise, prompting the person to calm down and act in a more civil manner
toward you. (2) The speaker may not have felt safe telling you that he or
she was angry, relying instead on body language to convey that message. Once
you name the emotion, the other person may be satisfied that you recognize
the anger and thus soften his or her non-verbal response.
- Speak slowly and calmly.
Emotional responses tend to be contagious, with one speaker unconsciously
adopting the other's affect. Once you are aware of this phenomenon, you can
use it to your advantage. By speaking slowly and deliberately and adopting
a positive tone in the face of another's anger, you can ratchet down that
person's emotional state to a manageable level. After all, it is hard for
an agitated individual to maintain a high state of anger when conversing with
someone who remains calm and unruffled.
- Use affirming statements.
In situations in which you believe the other person is reacting in anger because
he or she is frustrated or embarrassed, consider using an affirming statement
to convey understanding and acceptance. A parent may call you, unhappy because
her son has been suspended from school for chronic misbehavior. In response,
you might say, "Thank you for calling me. You are a concerned parent
and I appreciate that."
- Offer an apology.
In some situations, you may realize that you inadvertently did or said something
to trigger the other person's anger. If you realize that you are in the wrong,
consider an apology-but apologize only if you can do so with sincerity. A
well-placed apology can have an almost-magical impact, potentially turning
a confrontation into a conversation.
Maintaining Your Cool
During Stressful Interactions. You can manage stressful interactions with
others more effectively if you are able to 
maintain
a calm demeanor. Some ideas for keeping your cool are to:
- Find a simple relaxation
technique that works for you. When in the midst of a potential confrontation,
use a quick relaxation method to help you to defuse stress. One common strategy
is to take several slow, deep breaths, exhaling slowly after each one. Another
relaxation idea is to 'go to the balcony' (Fisher & Ury, 1983). Before
responding to a provocative comment, mentally remove yourself from the situation
for a moment to allow yourself to detach from the situation and collect your
thoughts.
- Mentally rehearse
difficult situations. While
you cannot predict when angry individuals will confront you, you can imagine
likely interactions that might take place between you and an agitated or hostile
adult. A principal knows, for example, that she will probably have a number
of tense meetings with parents about their children's behavior during a school
year-and can picture vividly how those interactions will typically unfold.
A useful approach is to imagine likely scenarios in which you would face an
angry person and to mentally rehearse the techniques that you will use to
positively manage that interaction. Mental rehearsal is a good way to practice
your conflict management skills in a safe, controlled manner.
- Schedule a meeting
at a place and time of your choosing. If you are juggling a full schedule
and an angry person shows up without an appointment to demand a meeting, beware
of being pressured to resolve the issue right then and there. If you feel
rushed, you are likely to experience greater stress and to problem-solve less
effectively. Instead, communicate that you do want to resolve the person's
issue but need to set aside sufficient time to fully understand his or her
concerns. Then schedule a meeting at a more convenient time (Kosmoski &
Pollack, 2001). Postponing the meeting can also buy you time to pull together
any information that you might need to respond to the individual's concern.
NOTE: A good rule of thumb is to schedule the meeting promptly--within 24
hours of the first contact, if possible-to prevent the other party from feeling
that he or she is being put off (Kosmoski & Pollack, 2001).
Creating
a Relaxed Meeting Setting. Meetings go more smoothly when you 'engineer'
the environment and circumstances to reduce stress among participants.
- Select a non-threatening
setting. If
you select a location for your meeting that puts parents and others at ease,
your meeting will probably go more smoothly. After all, when a setting is
familiar, people tend to feel less 'on-edge'. Consider allowing the participant
whom you are attempting to put at ease to select the meeting setting. If the
meeting must take place in a predetermined location such as your school, you
might invite parents or other participants to stop by a few minutes before
the meeting for a brief tour. Their early arrival will allow participants
new to your school to adjust a bit to the unfamiliar setting and be more relaxed
at the meeting. Further ideas that can lower the anxiety threshold of participants
are to select a meeting site that has enough room so that people don't feel
crowded and to set aside plenty of time for the meeting so that your participants
are not rushed.
- Encourage participants
to bring a supporter. When parents or others are invited to school meetings
at which contentious issues will be discussed, they may feel vulnerable and
alone when facing a room full of educators. If you think that a participant
may be calmed at a meeting if they have the support of a known and friendly
face, encourage that participant to invite a relative, friend, or advocate.
In most instances, having a supportive ally at their side helps parents and
others to feel less defensive and participate more fully in school meetings.
- Introduce meeting
participants.
People can become anxious or uncertain at a meeting when they don't know each
other's names and positions. So don't forget to have everyone attending the
meeting introduce themselves and, if necessary, state why they are at the
meeting. Another good idea is to let all participants know in advance who
will be attending.
- Start the meeting
by reviewing the agenda and stating shared goals. Make sure that participants
understand the reason that they are meeting, their role, what is to be accomplished
at the meeting, and when the meeting will end. A structured introduction will
reassure those participants who were uncertain of what to expect and will
help the meeting facilitator to keep all members of the group on task.
If a meeting is
called to iron out differences, the facilitator may wish to set a positive
tone by framing the purpose of the meeting in terms of shared interests that
all participants can agree with. Consider the example of an instructional
team from an elementary inclusion classroom that met with the principal, the
parent and a child advocate from an outside agency to discuss the increasingly
aggressive behaviors of Ricky, a student with special needs. The principal
allayed tensions right away when she opened the meeting by saying, "Everyone
in this room wants Ricky to be successful in his current program. Our purpose
for meeting today is to put together the best plan in school and outside of
school to help Ricky to do well. To create that plan, we will need the best
ideas from everyone around this table."
- ·Use strategies
to ensure that each person has a voice. When
one or two strong personalities dominate a meeting, other participants may
not feel comfortable in freely giving their opinions. Yet problem-solving
meetings tend to be most successful when all viewpoints are heard. The facilitator
should call on participants who have not said much at a meeting to be sure
that they have an uninterrupted opportunity to speak. Here are two other simple
meeting strategies to give all participants an equal opportunity to contribute:
(1) The facilitator goes around the table, permitting each person several
minutes to address the group without interruption. (2) The team uses a talk-token
(e.g., a colored slip of paper). Each participant must be passed the talk-token
before he or she can speak.
Negotiating
to Achieve a 'Win-Win' Situation. Negotiation takes place all the time in
school settings. Teachers negotiate with administrators about how they will
implement the curriculum. Special education staff negotiate with general-education
teachers about how they will work together to accommodate a student's special
needs. Parents negotiate with a school district to obtain additional special-education
services for their child.
When negotiations are 'high-stakes',
emotions can run high and participants can easily become locked into adversarial
positions. Principled negotiation (Fisher & Ury, 1983) is an approach to
group problem-solving that increases the level of cooperation between parties-and
has become an extremely influential framework for positively managing conflict
to bring about mutually acceptable outcomes. Principled negotiation uses several
techniques to build rapport and understanding between negotiators, including
(1) Separating the problem from the people, (2) Focusing on positions and not
solutions or interests; and (3) Using objective criteria in reaching agreement.
- 'Separate the problem
from the people'. When parties are negotiating with others over an issue
about which they feel strongly, it can be very easy for them to personalize
the issue and even to feel personally attacked when others disagree with their
views. Unfortunately, disagreements are much more difficult to resolve when
personal feelings intrude to cause the participants to dislike or distrust
each other.
'Separating the
problem from the people' is a strategy that can put relationships on a more
positive footing, even during tense negotiations. In this approach, individuals
involved in the negotiation first define problems to be solved in a manner
that all can agree on. Then the negotiators work to find mutually acceptable
solutions to those problems. Separating the 'problems' (reasons for disagreement
or issues to be worked out) from the people involved in the situation allows
negotiators to unite and vigorously explore mutually acceptable solutions
without fear of offending others or putting them on the defensive.
- Focus on interests
and not solutions or positions. Participants
in negotiations frequently come to the table having already made up their
minds that they will accept only specific solutions or outcomes. As negotiations
continue, they may stubbornly refuse to budge from these positions--even if
a better solution is available--because they believe that negotiation is a
zero-sum game and that giving ground on a demand represents retreat or surrender.
A strategy that
can prevent people from prematurely selecting overly narrow solutions is to
'focus on interests, not positions.' Each party publicly shares those interests
that they would most like to see protected or advanced through the negotiation.
The act of cataloguing each participant's vital interests is valuable because
it gives all parties a very clear understanding of what motivates their fellow
negotiators. Discussing each party's interests also invites negotiators to
identify shared interests that may help them to reach a mutually acceptable
agreement. Most importantly, by focusing on interests rather than settling
too quickly on specific solutions, the parties are free to consider a wide
range of creative options and to be more objective in deciding which options
will fulfill the widest range of shared interests.
Consider the following
school scenario in which 'identifying interests, not positions' helped to
resolve a teacher concern. A general-education teacher approached the principal,
demanding that a paraprofessional be assigned full-time to a student with
autism as a condition of mainstreaming that student in her 8th grade math
class (specific solution or position). The principal met with the teacher
to discuss her concerns and discovered that the instructor is worried that
the student's sometimes-unpredictable verbal behaviors might distract other
students and interfere with group instruction. The principal and teacher agree
that they have a shared interest in (1) promoting the inclusion of all learners
in the general-education setting and (2) preserving the quality of classroom
instruction. Once the principal and teacher identified their shared interests,
they were able to create a plan in which a special educator familiar with
the student with autism would meet with the math teacher to give her ideas
to manage that student's classroom behaviors. Additionally, a paraprofessional
would be present for the first week that the student was mainstreamed in the
math classroom to assist the student in learning the classroom routine. Finally,
the principal assured the teacher that he would also be available to intervene
if a significant behavioral incident occurred. The teacher was satisfied with
these supports and the student made a successful transition to her classroom.
- Use objective criteria.
When parties negotiate, they should rely on objective criteria instead of
subjective opinions whenever possible to resolve disagreements. When all parties
agree to objective criteria to define the dimensions of a problem, they reduce
the likelihood that any negotiators will attempt to support their case through
anecdotes, emotional appeals or unverifiable opinion. For example, teachers
on a building Disciplinary Committee differed with the principal about the
severity of behavioral issues in the school. After some discussion, the two
sides decided to analyze office disciplinary referrals to tabulate the frequency
and severity of student misbehavior. They also agreed to accept this set of
'objective' school-wide disciplinary data as an indicator of the school's
behavioral climate. The group set a date to reconvene after the disciplinary
data had been collected to review it and create an action plan for dealing
with misbehavior building-wide.
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References
Fisher, R., & Ury, W. (1983). Getting
to yes: Negotiating agreement without giving in. New York: Penguin Books.
Kosmoski, G. J. & Pollack, D.R. (2001). Managing conversations with hostile
adults : Strategies for teachers. Thousand Oaks, CA: Corwin Press.
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